If you were your partner’s next-of-kin, the responsibility fell (falls) on you to make decisions on their behalf. Regardless of what you’re dealing with, trying to balance life after the death of a partner can come with a lot of responsibility and pressure. You can check out our post on secondary loss here. Logistics and secondary lossesĪfter the death of a partner, there are endless logistical considerations like household chores, the loss of primary or secondary income, childcare, paying bills, paperwork, estates, dealing with their belongings, the loss of identity, and so on. Your home is incredibly lonely and way too quiet. Your bed is half-empty when you go to bed at night, and again when you wake up in the morning.
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You miss their mess, their snoring, their talking, their singing, and their TV blaring. Or perhaps you long for intimacy, but can’t imagine that kind of closeness with anyone but your deceased loved one. It may be that you’re open to intimacy with someone new, but haven’t found anyone.
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As a human you most likely crave some level of physical comfort. I’m not sure much needs to be said on this matter. They were your source for physical intimacy and comfort After having someone like this in your life, not having it can feel very scary and isolating. They looked out for your needs and your well-beingĪlthough they may have been selfish from time to time (who isn’t?), overall they probably thought of your needs and wanted you to be healthy and happy. Maybe they knew your weaknesses and fears where you came from and what you’ve been through. It can be comforting to be ‘known’, but this kind of ‘knowing’ is not easy to come by and takes a long time to build. Perhaps your partner knew how you took your coffee and how you liked your eggs. They were the only person who really truly knew you
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The world can feel dark when it seems like there is no one in it who will accept and love you for who you truly are. Your partner may have been the one person knew how deeply flawed and crazy you were, but chose to love you anyway. Love may not be blind, but it is often very accepting. They provided you with u nconditional love In fact, there are times when you still pick up the phone to call them after a terrible day, only to be reminded that they are gone.
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For many of you, your significant other was the one person who knew how long to let you vent and how to calm you down. Who was the first person you’d call when something happened? It didn’t have to be a big something, like an emergency, it could have been a small something, like someone annoying you at work. Afterwards many people commented that their partner was their best friend, which made their loss feel two-fold. We recently wrote a post about grieving the death of a best friend. Thanks to our readers whose input went into writing this article.
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Also, we are going to use the term ‘partner’ and ‘significant other’ for the purposes of this article because they apply broadly, that’s our thought process and we’re sticking to it. Of note for people who don’t regularly read WYG: we have linked some of these to past posts which go much further in depth on the topic. However, we do know that these types of losses can present very specific barriers, stumbling blocks, and secondary losses. We aren’t going to tell you how to grieve these losses, because we don’t really believe ‘type’ of loss dictates a certain way of coping. Today we want to discuss some of the reasons why grieving the death of a spouse, fiancé, girlfriend, boyfriend, or significant other is difficult. And if other people have had struggles similar to our own, then maybe our grief isn’t as crazy as it sometimes seems. Shared experiences tell us, if nothing else, that we are not the only ones. While we are hesitant to categorize and careful not to compare, we do acknowledge that there’s merit in recognizing commonalities. Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is as unique as the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died. Brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, or father – all losses are significant. Death, regardless of the details, is capable of devastating those it leaves behind.